If McDonald's was like Facebook …
©2018
Warning: this is a parody
If
McDonald's was like Facebook then the food and drinks would be free, as would
be the parking. It’s easy! All you have to do is register an email account with
us.[i]
Come to our restaurant, and enjoy a wholesome meal in
the company of good friends and great ambience, at no cost at all. What could
possibly go wrong? Absolutely nothing.[ii]
When you first drive into McDonald’s the friendly
security camera records the make, model, year and registration number of your
vehicle, for security reasons. It also runs a background check for stolen
vehicles, at no cost to yourself, and for your safety![iii]
As you enter our restaurant the friendly security
camera records your face and correlates it to your name; the names and faces of
your party when introduced to our host are recorded, too.[iv]
We like to remember our friends and this improves our service to you.
You’re taken to your preferred seating area.[v]
Sensors in the chair seat and back identify your weight and movement contingent
on your eating posture, and reaction to conversations.[vi] [vii]
We do this to ensure our seats and ambiance are optimized for your dining
experience.
You order your food electronically via the standing tablet
on the table, or via the tablet that serves as your placemat. If you like the
personal touch you can call for a waiter, and even compliment the chef! The
placemat tablets are great - while you eat you can access your emails, call
friends on Skype, have a group chat on the proprietary McGroupChat© software, and
even watch movie previews.[viii]
Then to enjoy your meal. Choosing a dessert or rather sip
a cup of joe? Order via the tablet. At the end of your meal, and for a McVoucher©
that gets you 10% off your next Amazon purchase there might be a small
questionnaire about your eating experience and lifestyle.[ix] This
helps us fine-tune our service to you.
You get up to leave. Some of your party might head to
the bathroom first. The tablet above the urinal and the cubicle door shows current
events and movie clips.[x]
Your full dining experience is important to us, which includes freshening up.
For regulars to McDonald’s who bring large groups of friends,
better menu options are provided.[xi] This
is our way of offering a sincere Thank You for your patronage.
Thank you for visiting McDonald’s. Please come again.
We are now open 24/7 and committed to service excellence and exceeding your
every need.[xii]
The all-new McDonald’s, where every meal is free.[xiii]
[i] Some minor personal details are also required. The
T&Cs are in very fine print, so it’s best just to accept them.
[ii] Personal data is entered into complicated
McAlgorithms© that compile your personality, demographics, values and financial
status into a Personal Data Portfolio (PDP). This is sold, and sold again, to
various advertising brokers and advertisers while you eat, who, in turn generate
ads directly applicable to you while you eat. These ads are shown on the tablet
placemats, the bathroom tablets and also sent to your Inbox.
[iii] Before you enter the restaurant, vehicle adjusters
and resellers in your area have already purchased your information. This
information is used in generating ads directly applicable to you while you eat.
[iv] Associated faces and names are used to compile new
PDPs, which translates to new sales.
[v] Table location and seating arrangements update the
Personality chapter of your PDP.
[vi] Age/ weight anomalies are established and this is
sold to dieticians, health gurus and hemorrhoid cream sellers within minutes of
you sitting down, and personalized ads directly applicable to you follow a
minute after that.
[vii] Ha-ha, you thought your data, I mean, conversation
was not monitored for content. It’s mere research about our menu, and maybe some
personality dynamics, nothing malicious. Absolutely nothing malicious.
[viii] The placemat tablets also play ads directly
applicable to you. As your meal progresses and more info is learned about you
the ads change. Example, depending on your choice of food the PDP determines if
you’re angsty about everything you eat, drink and breathe, and accordingly
friendly ads from dieticians and even insurance companies are presented. If
you’re indulgent in your eating choices, friendly ads are shown complementing
your irresponsible lifestyle.
[ix] Amazon purchases a large portion of your PDP
information; they already know what you want. Expect a friendly ad in your
Inbox when you reach home.
[x] Good health is important, and your personal waste
products show how good your health is. Sensors in the urinal and toilet bowl
analyze your waste products and rate your health. Expect directly applicable
ads for products like Maalox, Mylanta, Gout Go, Dulcolax, Senokot, and, of
course, the local drug rehab clinic specializing in your particular little bad
habit.
[xi] New faces equate to new PDPs which equate to new
sales. Large groups also have a longer mealtime, which equates to more ads.
With groups of 14 or more we break-even on costs after 27 minutes; the longer
you stay, the more profitable for us.
[xii] As you leave, your meal-time duration is updated to
your existing PDP, and this information is kept, forever. Name, face, height,
weight, vehicle; cultural level, diet preferences, educational level, financial
risk, general demographics, health risk, insurance viability, marketing
potential, personality assessment, religious orientation, voice print, and it’s
all for sale.
[xiii] We proudly call this the McTanstaafl© principle.
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