The little roller that could

 The little roller that could

- Mark van Vuuren

In the grounds of my complex, against a Willow tree, leant a rusted old roller. It had served its purpose on the local cricket pitch, and, like fifty years ago, still weighed 500 pounds. Visitors to the garden noted how it added character; I noted how it had never been stolen.

The problem with an old roller is that it should only be used in conjunction with a comprehensive medical aid, which I did not have. The garden didn’t need rolling either, so how best to get rid of it but through an incentivised approach: Would you like to buy a roller? If you collect it today we’ll give it to you at half-price.

Cedric always wanted a roller; he came around, gardener in tow, within the half-hour overly prepared in a 1976 1200 Datsun pickup.

We stood around the roller, which stood alongside the pickup: 600 mm ground clearance was required but we couldn’t pick it up. We couldn’t pick it up, we agreed with each other, as the roller didn’t come with adequate handles, nor with an instruction booklet.

So, imagine the following factors from which to draw up a strategy:

- The roller is alongside a Willow tree.
- The Willow tree is alongside a cement driveway.
- The cement driveway dips half a metre every three metres.

Strategic options that come to mind:

1. Keep the roller.
2. Hire a crane.
3. Let the roller roll down the driveway, onto a ramp and into the pickup.
4. Tie a rope to the roller, throw the rope over a branch of the Willow tree, pull the rope to raise the roller and swing the roller onto the pickup.
5. Tie the thingy to the goodie, transmogrify the whatsisname and McGuyver the chappie onto the pickup.

Using the HP19Bii problem solver and a crystal ball, the results were as follows:

1. The body corporate wanted to get rid of the roller so badly they brought a new trustee into their circle to only action this request; me.
2. The crane came along, picked up the roller, dropped it onto the pickup from 1600mm above ground level, and bent the chassis. Cedric lost his pickup, but the roller was fine.
3. The roller rolled down the driveway, cracking the cement; P=MV (i.e. Momentum equals Mass times Velocity) so you’ll understand as I explain how the ramp into the pickup snapped and the roller got wedged under the said vehicle. We could not pull it out as we were pulling uphill, and we couldn’t drive the pickup away as the rear-wheels were in the air.
4. The branch snapped, the roller dropped and sank into the bowels of the earth. With only part of the roller showing we concluded this would be the basis for a new rockery.
5. I tied a few lengths of rope to the roller, put them through the first fork in the tree and tied these to the back of a SECOND vehicle, accelerated forward (well-aware that the only force keeping the chassis attached to the bodywork was the power of prayer) to the point where the roller was 601mm in the air; the pickup reversed to the correct spot, and touchdown!

This was an achievement in itself, but only half the job done. I plied the new owners with beer, told them there would be no cost for the roller, and wished them on their way. The second part of the job was getting the roller off the pickup but I felt I had tempted fate sufficiently for that day.