Mark's contribution to Ambrose Bierce

- by Mark van Vuuren


Adulthood
The period after the age of independence that is spent in debt and regret.

Advertising
The principle that covert repetitive battering of the senses will force the buyer to willingly purchase the product in order to stop the covert repetitive battering of the senses.

Affirmative action
A social program spearheaded by guilt of the ruling class, turning second class citizens into respected second class citizens.

Alimony
The life-long maintenance cost of unprotected sex.

Alcohol
An elixir taken to subdue anger and enhance passion.

Athletics
The process whereby individuals run between two points within a certain time frame, and this somehow contributes to world peace.

Breast enlargement
The process of increasing one’s bust with the expectation of increased fertility.

Boxing
Two pugilists deaden each other’s neural facilities, and the survivor spends the prize money in a mentally diminished capacity.

Capitalism
The principle that limited supply and unlimited want will be realised as long as the primary constituent is present: Greed.

Communist
One who cannot read a balance sheet.

Computers
The primary obstacle in the development of the paperless environment.

Convict
An indicted citizen with an incompetent lawyer.

Critic
An alleged expert who always knows better, but, with the intent of a kind and loving father, refuses to produce a better product.

Dancing
The civil face of lascivious intent, set to music.

Diet
The restriction of food intake with the expectation this will make one happier.

Environmentalist
A particular personality type so abhorred by the populace that one forgets just what message is being purported.

Education
The slow, costly process of censoring the soul until all one reflects on are the fundamentals of a current intellectual paradigm.

Fashion
The assumption that clothing legitimates presumption.

Friendship
A mutual appreciation of greed.

Health
The longest route to morbidity.

Homosexuality
The perception that same-sex procreation will produce a better quality child.

Lover
One who tolerates you until another lover, who offers more money or better sex, is found.

Loyalty
An unwritten understanding of expectation due to, or due from, another. Loyalty to one’s master is the combination of diminished pay and a willing subservience.

Marriage
A contract signed under temporary insanity, which is legally binding.

Mother Nature
A mythical figure, responsible for all the world’s troubles as punishment for the actions of Man.

Nature
Real estate currently too expensive to exploit.

Old age
Punishment for living a conservative lifestyle.

Parliamentarian
An insomniac with an abundance of patience.

Politician
One who addresses imbalance by implementing a new imbalance, insisting on servility from the same people whom he swore to represent.

Postal service
A Government initiative to educate the populace in the use of oxymoron.

Prejudice
The basic human condition for socialisation.

Reproduction
The perpetuation of conceit.

Religion
A complex set of man-made principles one expects God to fit into.

Respect
Self-inflicted servility.

Sex
The primary modus of complete indulgence with the unfortunate consequence of reproduction.

Stilettos
A non-functional shoe design advocated by men, worn by women, resulting in children.

Tattoo
A permanent reminder of the self-destructive powers of alcohol.

Taxi driver
The master of your fate and captain of your destiny.

Technology
The efficient development of tools to manage the monotonous drudgery of humanity.

The teenage years
Defined as ‘Onward and downward’.

Youth
A period of irresponsible excess, without the need or capacity to procreate.

Virgin
A status of pious purity; once lost, a passport to joyous impurity.

Xenophobia
An inherent fear that someone else with a desire to be productive and successful may succeed in doing so.